Update #1

I'm going to have to repeat Step One. I haven't been getting any sleep. I really need to research some techniques for stress management! I seriously need some!

Every day, I have had at least one binge episode. I'm starting to think, that I binge all of the time. Food is like crack to me, I'm noticing. I don't even taste the food. Especially the pre-packaged shit! It just feels good emotionally to be eating. It's sooo fucking warming.

I will beat this. I have to beat this. I want children. While I haven't found the man to father my future babies, I do want them. My doctor said that even if I lose weight, it would be hard to conceive, not impossible, but it would take time. Which makes me think of all of the times that I stressed about making sure that my sex partners had condoms and all the worry the next day that the condom accidentally broke and the asshole guy was too scared to tell me (Yes, I have trust issues). It was all worry for nothing.

Anyway, to even get to the place where it would be difficult to conceive, I need to lose weight. I'm 33 and time is running out. 

I feel like I can't love myself like this being obese and a binge eater. I look in the mirror and I think, who could possibly love this? I couldn't. I wouldn't. If I can't find it to love myself unconditionally, how the hell can I expect to find love? 

I understand that losing weight doesn't automatically mean that I'll love myself. But I feel like if I can get this whole binge eating under control, then I can be extremely proud of myself. And if I'm proud of myself then that could push me in the direction of loving myself.

Starting over again is going to suck!!!